Know what? I care about you. Yes, you. I have a lot of concern for my fellow Furman students’ well-being.
Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of mistakes made here. Most of them were premature marriages. But I wanted to take this opportunity to save you from an embarrassment that has plagued me my whole life. As we all know, Halloween is just around the corner. And at our age, the most important thing (second only to getting totally hammered) is the costume you’re going to wear.
I’ve pretty much made peace with the fact that I will never create a good Halloween costume. I am notorious for being the most offensive (and sometimes, just the most stupid) at the party. It’s been that way my whole life.
Like I said, I care about you. So here are several examples of what not to wear for your Halloween costume if you value your reputation at Furman. Or anywhere.
–Britney Spears as she appeared in the “…Baby One More Time” video. I was eight. My mom wouldn’t let me show my midriff. Everyone kept asking who I was supposed to be. I kept responding with “a Catholic.” It was the beginning of a long trend.
–Jojo the Rappin’ Clown. This was a character I created in response to failing miserably as a sexy pop star. If I couldn’t be hot, I’d be funny. I went around all night yelling, “Yo, yo, yo I’m a clown with a ‘fro.” No one was amused.
–Sexy cat. I was in the eighth grade. It was a murder mystery party, but I missed that memo. Everyone else dressed as classy British people. They didn’t even let me do the murder mystery part.
–Bambi’s mother. It was a Disney-themed party. I was surrounded by Jasmines and Cinderellas. I walked around all night with a bullet wound in my forehead, complete with trajectory strewn throughout my hair.
–Eva Braun. My buddy Ryan went as Hitler. At the end of the night, he did a full split and then we made out. We called it the “Splitler.”
Another piece of advice, don’t come up with costume ideas when you’re drunk. Two good friends of mine, who have since graduated and moved to Chicago, got really drunk Halloween morning in North Village E a couple of years back. By mid-afternoon, they had wrapped themselves in beige sheets and tied black bands with eye-slits around their heads. They called themselves Noodle Bandits. I’m not saying it isn’t brilliant, because I think it is. I’m just saying it’s genuinely strange.
The following year one of the Noodle Bandits and another friend of mine went as mother and newborn baby, complete with umbilical cord.
Let me make myself clear. I don’t think Halloween costumes should be devoid of individuality. I’m sick of seeing sexy cops and vampires everywhere. And only so many witches can show up to the same party. So please. Do something creative. But for the sake of your own dignity, run it by someone you trust first.
