The scooter takeover at Furman University is nothing new. The constant zooming of athletes on scooters — especially the football players, who seem to treat them like Harley-Davidsons — has become a daily annoyance. The incessant screech of cheap brakes is now as much a part of Furman’s atmosphere as the trees, the buildings, the lake, and the music from the bell tower.
Sadly, for Furman’s football team, losing has also become habitual. In a painful home opener against the barely functional Charleston Southern Buccaneers, the scooter-riding Paladins managed to find a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of an already-losing opponent. It wasn’t just a loss — it was a masterclass in disappointment.
Fed up with both the barrage of scooters and the team’s ongoing struggle to find the end zone, a few brave students decided enough was enough. Yesterday afternoon, the first real revolution at Furman began, not with fists raised in the air, but with a chant so ridiculous it just might work: “One Until Won.”
The proposal? Simple. Until the football team manages to win a single game, every player is banned from their beloved scooters and must instead navigate campus on unicycles. That’s right: one wheel until a win.
Support for the unicycle mandate is growing. The petition demanding the football team make the switch from two wheels to one already has 481 signatures and counting. Rumors suggest the administration could implement the change by the end of the week. The sheer possibility of this spectacle has already drawn the attention of students, faculty and confused townies alike.
Luckily for the football team, this weekend brings another bottom-tier opponent to town, giving them the perfect chance to reclaim their scooters before campus turns into a full-blown clown show. If they can’t? Well, Furman might just become home to the first unicycle-powered football team in NCAA history.
So, Paladin football, it’s time to pick your poison: win a game, or start practicing your juggling acts.