According to some, love and the law should never intersect, but oftentimes, those of us in Greenville find ourselves in moral grey areas, the unknown. Recently, on a trip back from The Barn, Jane Doe, a Furman Student, swore she saw two Bob Jones students holding hands.

“I just couldn’t believe it.” She told The Horse, “Isn’t that against their rules or something?”

And right she was. At Bob Jones, if you’re caught holding hands or even looking at a girl, you could be fined or even at risk of incarceration. Bob Jones’ Prison For The Unholy sits beside the Hooters off Laurens Road. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll see a 5’2 nun trying to tackle the waitresses going for a smoke break.

Sadly, the real police don’t care about such things, so Jane Doe decided to call the main office at FUPO.

“I remember that phone call like it was yesterday,” she told The Horse.

“It was yesterday,” I replied.

“I still remember it! And the second I told them, they went quiet. It almost felt like a sigh.”

We also talked to the lady at the phone center.

“Yeah, it was a sigh… I hate getting involved with them. They smell weird.”

She relayed to us the fact that FUPO found them and took them in. After calling BURP (Bob Jones Rescue & Police), they only had to wait a reported 88 seconds.

“They showed up in some sort of van… It had a rainbow on it, but they made an effort to tell us it wasn’t in the “gay way”? I watched as they took the couple away. And I remember their last words…” She went silent.

“What do you mean? What did they say?”

“They said ‘We didn’t choose this lifestyle… this lifestyle chose us!’” A gasp came from the rest of The Horse. “It was wicked dude…”

The reports back from Bob Jones say that the two are awaiting trial, but could be facing up to 30 years hard labor with 5 months of Bible recitations. The next time you see a Bob Jones couple holding hands, just assume they’re already married, or they might suffer the consequences.