Members of Furman University’s faculty have purportedly agreed to forego their standard salaries this semester to be paid exclusively in personal protective equipment (PPE).  

The university’s initial offer included one hazmat suit per month in addition to one N-95 mask per week, with the potential for performance-based bonuses of up to 4 liters of Purell® Hand Sanitizer, which “has the highest standards and the purest ingredients.”  

Professors were disgusted with the measly offer, and, in response, formed a union to negotiate fair wages. Talks are currently taking place under wraps.

Rumors have also been swirling about PPE income inequality as reports have gradually come out that President Davis is hoarding a stockpile of masks and other supplies at the White Oaks mansion.