As construction wraps up around South Housing, freshmen can breathe a collective sigh of relief. The once loud, messy, cumbersome site can now be enjoyed, and first-year students can return to the starry-eyed innocence which they knew during Welcome Week.

That is, everyone except the residents of Manly Hall.

“I like Manly,” said inhabitant Jacob Hughes ‘29. “Sure, it’s not perfect. But once I get past the laundry machine fires, nightly ambulance calls, and greened-out zombie people who keep stumbling into my room, I’m sure it’ll feel a little more homey.”

“We pride ourselves here at Furman on our high-quality array of first-year residence halls, and we take the utmost care to cater equally to each, without bias,” said Ron Thompson, Director of Housing and Residence Life. “However, if I were to choose one to live in myself, without naming names… I would avoid the one where they put that sex doll on the balcony.”

The completion of the fields between the four upper dorms and the brand new Blackwell marks the end of a multi-year, 70 million dollar initiative to improve the quality of life of incoming classes. However, some fear the John Winthrop-esque “city on a hill” nature of life in Blackwell may be getting to the heads of its residents.

“I myself quite enjoy my current state of affairs, pertaining to my living arrangement,” said Blackwell resident Lily McCain ‘29. “We here in Blackwell enjoy the… finer things in life. Literature. Wine. Polo,” she trailed off, gazing into her 15-foot-tall ceiling while taking a slow drag of a cigar. “The utter notion of dwelling in such a den of iniquity which they so call Manly terrifies me.”

Furman administration plans to remedy this cultural divide next year by forcing Class of 2030 first-years to bond by sitting next to each other during football games, not allowed to leave until the very end of regulation. Freshman enrollment is expected to drop to zero.