In case you haven’t seen the towers of stale candy hearts and heart-shaped boxes of sure-to-be-80 percent-disgusting chocolates (the other 20 percent may have edible fillings), Valentine’s Day is upon us. Feb. 14 makes a holiday out of pressuring guys, disappointing girls, and reminding everyone who doesn’t have a special someone that they don’t have a special someone. What a wonderful way to brighten up an otherwise dreary month.
While Valentine’s Day may be an excellent excuse to spend a romantic evening with your lover or lovers (Ben and Jerry really get around), it’s also a good time to evaluate all the relationships in your life. I don’t mean to say you should judge the status of a relationship based on what goes down on the 14th. Instead, take time to look at each of your significant relationships as a whole — with family, friends, and especially with your “special someone,” if you have one.
Humans are social creatures. Research has shown isolation shortens the lifespan, while close friends and quality time with others improve our mental and physical well-being. However, not all relationships are good for us. They can be stressful and difficult. Some can even wreck our self-esteem and make life a living hell.
In order for us to live our best life, we need to surround ourselves with people who make us feel good. We’ve got to filter out the negative influences and foster those relationships that bring us peace and happiness. This, however, is easier said than done.
Is there someone you think about everyday? Someone whose actions or words greatly affect you (even if you may not want them to)? If so, that person has a significant impact on your life, and it’s up to you to determine whether or not it’s positive or negative.
Usually, it’s a mixture of both. There are good times and bad. In the happy moments, it’s easy to forget about how badly someone has made you feel in the past. And during the rough stretches, it may feel like all you can do is hang in there and wait for the good times to return. In situations like this, you’ll need to step back and look at your relationship as a whole. In general, do your interactions with that person make you feel good the vast majority of the time? If not, your relationship may not be a healthy one. And if that person frequently insults you or says things to upset you or if they are physically hurtful in any way, that person may even be verbally or physically abusing you. Other red flags of an unhealthy relationship include: frequent arguing, social isolation from everyone other than that person, the person attempting to control or change you, a lack of respect, and the person holding an irrational jealousy toward your other relationships. If you’re still unsure, it can help to speak with another person you are close to. He or she may have noticed the negative effects of that relationship and be able to draw your attention to a potential problem.
Once you’ve recognized a relationship is unhealthy, it is important to address the problem. Communication is key in any relationship. Tell the person how you feel in a calm, respectful manner — what you treasure in your relationship, what you wish could change, and ideas you may have for improving the relationship. Try not to be accusatory — start sentences with I instead of you. For example, instead of saying, “Why do you have to be such a jerk?” say “I feel sad when you say things like that.”
After you’ve gotten out all you want to say, it may be time to ease that person out of your life if things don’t improve. It might seem harsh, but you need to do what’s best for yourself in the long run. It can also be scary. You may feel so connected to someone that you would rather take all the negative aspects of the relationship just so you don’t have to be alone. Even if the relationship leaves you feeling anxious, emotionally drained, or worthless, you may feel that being in that relationship somehow makes you better than if you were not.
If you do feel this way, it’s time to seek help. The way you feel about yourself and your life should never be determined by someone else. If your self-confidence hinges upon your relationship status or how someone thinks of you, consider making an appointment with a counselor so that you can learn how to see yourself in a positive light. Everyone, no matter what their relationship status, is worthy of, and deserves to feel, self-love.
Even though it doesn’t feel good to realize a relationship is unhealthy, remember there is always someone else who loves and cares about you or who would love and care about you if only they knew you. Cutting harmful relationships out of your life opens you up to forming and building upon healthy relationships that will make your life better.
It may not be a boyfriend or girlfriend, but Valentine’s Day doesn’t need to be about one specific kind of love. In addition to taking the time to identify those relationships that could use some work (or termination), be sure to look on the bright side. Be grateful for the people in your life who make you feel good about yourself, make you laugh, and make life better. Make this most complicated of holidays an excuse to celebrate those relationships by telling those people how much they mean to you. And I don’t mean Ben and Jerry.
