Warning: cranky senior alert.

There’s a lot of really confusing stuff that happens to you in college. Over four years, you’re supposed to pick up a whole new load of responsibilities in a new place with new friends away from your family. It’s a rough transition, I know.

Over the past few weeks I’ve heard some of my freshman friends say things about college life I just couldn’t believe. So I’m here to tell you how this all works. Yes, I’m talking mostly to the freshmen. But there are some upperclassmen who should take this advice, too. Again: cranky senior alert.

1) Making out with someone does not mean anything. Making out is the handshake of the university world. It doesn’t mean you’re dating, or will date, and it might not even mean that your partner likes you. I make out with people I don’t like all the time. It just means the two of you were drunk (or study-drunk) in the right place and your lips decided they wanted to be friends. Get over it.

2) Your professors are your friends, not your enemies. I had to teach a god-awful 101 class a couple of weeks ago and it was the lowlight of my month. And I’m not just talking texting in class (though that is bad enough… your emoticons can wait), I’m talking vehement apathy. If you decide you want to play WoW that badly, or that you really didn’t get enough sleep last night and need a nap, just don’t come to class. You’re wasting the oxygen.

3) If you get invited to a party (which, of course, never happens on Furman’s campus…), either BYOB or bring some money, honey. Everything you drink is coming out of someone’s pocket (Metaphorically speaking. Never drink anything that literally came out of someone else’s pocket.). Also, that White Russian you spilled isn’t going to clean itself up. Soak it up before it leaves a stain that looks like… something more gross than a White Russian.

4) If you have a commitment, you better be there. I don’t care how many pages you have left in that paper you have to turn in tomorrow. If an organization or group expects you to be somewhere, make it happen.

5) If you’re in the DH during 12:30 lunch, don’t stand in the skinny walkway between the salad bar and the tables to chat with your friends. Move. Go anywhere but there. You are causing traffic, and there is nothing so important that you have a legitimate excuse to separate me from my feta cheese.

6) If you use an example from Twilight to get your point across in class, I will mentally punch you in the face right then. If you use lyrics from a Taylor Swift song, I will double-punch you.

All right, kids? Let’s stick to these rules from now on. We’ll all be better for it.