In a world in which environmental consciousness is as trendy as avocado toast, Furman University has taken a bold step to redefine what it means to go green – by cutting down all trees.

Adopting the slogans “No Tree Left Behind” and “Timber is Trendy,” university officials are confident that by the beginning of the 2026 academic year, there will be no more oxygen remaining on Furman’s campus.

Students were initially perplexed by the news but have since become accustomed to the sounds of heavy machinery and falling limbs. While climate change used to be at the forefront, many students have pivoted their concerns elsewhere and to “more pressing issues.”

Environmental groups have also voiced their concerns about the new university policies, but their protests were drowned out by the sound of revving engines and the scent of freshly cut cedar.

“We’re just embracing the circle of life,” explained a spokesperson for the university, while casually tossing a plastic water bottle into Furman Lake.

Furman University has always been a place for innovation and forward movement, and this new initiative further proves this to be true. As the last remaining patches of greenery vanish under the relentless march of progress, Furman stands as a shining beacon of innovation – because who needs trees when you can have more degrees?