Furman University's Student Newspaper

The Paladin

Furman University's Student Newspaper

The Paladin

Furman University's Student Newspaper

The Paladin

Furman Hates Oxygen

A new campus-wide initiative has begun to eradicate the presence of all oxygen on the premises of Furman University.
Courtesy of Furman University

In a world in which environmental consciousness is as trendy as avocado toast, Furman University has taken a bold step to redefine what it means to go green – by cutting down all trees.

Adopting the slogans “No Tree Left Behind” and “Timber is Trendy,” university officials are confident that by the beginning of the 2026 academic year, there will be no more oxygen remaining on Furman’s campus.

Students were initially perplexed by the news but have since become accustomed to the sounds of heavy machinery and falling limbs. While climate change used to be at the forefront, many students have pivoted their concerns elsewhere and to “more pressing issues.”

Environmental groups have also voiced their concerns about the new university policies, but their protests were drowned out by the sound of revving engines and the scent of freshly cut cedar.

“We’re just embracing the circle of life,” explained a spokesperson for the university, while casually tossing a plastic water bottle into Furman Lake.

Furman University has always been a place for innovation and forward movement, and this new initiative further proves this to be true. As the last remaining patches of greenery vanish under the relentless march of progress, Furman stands as a shining beacon of innovation – because who needs trees when you can have more degrees?

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About the Contributor
Brock Eastman
Brock Eastman, Sports Editor
Brock Eastman is a junior from Summerville, SC. He is studying Biomedical Science and Religion on the pre-dental track. This is his first year with the paper and he’s excited to cover all of Furman’s teams and athletes. A fun fact about him is that he finished first in his age group in the Greenville Marathon two years ago.
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