Furman University's Student Newspaper

The Paladin

Furman University's Student Newspaper

The Paladin

Furman University's Student Newspaper

The Paladin

FUSAB Attempts to Blind Students in Solar Eclipse Scheme

In hopes of preventing students from witnessing tonight’s Teezo Touchdown concert, FUSAB imposed great harm on the Furman community.
Courtesy of Furman University

On Monday, April 8, the United States experienced a total solar eclipse for the first time since 2017. Despite Greenville’s exclusion from the eclipse’s path of totality, students still flocked to the Joseph Vaughn Plaza to observe the celestial extravaganza.

To the disappointment of many, the ultra-fashionable eclipse-viewing goggles were nowhere to be found.

In the weeks leading up to the eclipse, FUSAB tabled at the Joseph Vaughn Plaza to promote their upcoming concert featuring “Teezo Touchdown,” which many students have mistaken to be addressing the Furman Paladins spring football game. However, on the day of the eclipse, students were disappointed to find FUSAB’s tables abandoned.

“Where is FUSAB?” asked one agitated sophomore. “We’ve got more students here than FUSAB’s spring ball, but the Student Activities Board couldn’t put up a few hundo to buy some paper goggles?”

Following the eclipse, Earl Student Health Center staff have complained about an unmanageable influx of students experiencing losses of vision. Those affected feel betrayed, and students are calling for FUSAB to take responsibility.

“How will I go on without ever being able to see my mother’s face again — or even worse, not being able to witness the Teezo Touchdown performance?” one senior exclaimed while bursting into tears.

Shockingly, an investigation by The Horse suggests that these injuries were a product of more than mere negligence. Our sources have reported that FUSAB destroyed Furman’s stock of eclipse-viewing goggles in an effort to blind students. But why?

“We know that Teezy wasn’t who most students were hoping for,” explained one anonymous FUSAB member. Since FUSAB used too much of its additional $10,000 in SGA funding for its annual cash bonfire, the organization had to brainstorm a solution.

With FUSAB’s infinite creative wisdom, brainstorm a solution they did.

Our source within FUSAB explained that most students would be “stupid enough” to stare directly at the sun if they were not provided the proper eyewear. FUSAB saw this as an opportunity.

Teezo Touchdown is best known for his feature on Tyler the Creator’s song “RUNITUP.” Reportedly, FUSAB plans to bring out their president as “Tyler the Creator” during Teezo Touchdown’s performance of this song, knowing that the injured students won’t be able to see through the lie.

“They’ll never see it coming,” said the anonymous FUSAB member. The organization is hoping to use “Tyler the Creator” this year to build anticipation for next year’s spring concert, where FUSAB plans to “rob students blind” by hosting one of their members as “Taylor Swift.”

As the Student Activities Board prepares for their concert, another student organization is touching down on campus. Students injured during the eclipse recently formed Furman University Students Against Blindness (FUSAB). Representatives report that they are actively building a lawsuit against the Student Activities Board, and rumor has it that they are planning to run it up in a historical settlement against Furman University.

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