As I was going through old newspaper archives, looking for something that could be used for our 100th issue I stumbled upon something that would consume me with laughter for the next few hours: The Paladin Hotline Messages. Originally started in 1989, the Hotline Messages was a 24-hour telephone number students and faculty member could call to voice their opinions on any subject, to suggest ideas for articles, to inform the newspaper of activities and achievements, and to ask questions. The Paladin would then publish highlights of those messages. In essence, it was a form of Yik Yak before the Internet. So, to honor The Paladin’s history I have selected a few excerpts of these hotline messages for your amusement.

Volume 75, 1989

Issue 8

Pledging Activities

The other evening I was walking with my girlfriend around the lake at a late hour. As I passed by the bell tower, I saw a young man tied up naked and covered in shaving cream. The guy was obviously pledging for a fraternity, and I think it is disgraceful that such activities are allowed to take place on Furman’s campus.

Alarms and Kissing Couples

I live on McBee basement and have a complaint. Every night around 12:30 a.m. the alarm by the card access door goes off due to a couple that holds the door open while embracing in amorous passion. This rude couple should partake of their tongue twisting somewhere private and be courteous to others who live in the hall. To the couple: you know who you are, and I suggest that you get a room!

Issue 9

Graffiti on Bathroom Walls

I was not aware that the bathroom stalls had become the forum for debate on the value of fraternities at Furman. Thanks, it’s not very interesting reading. Maybe you should print a toilet fraternity newsletter; it seems kind of appropriate.

Issue 16

Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

They need to start serving Ben & Jerry’s ice cream here, or I’ll burn the school down.

Issue 19

Smoke Alarms

This is really intelligent. Here in B-dorm we’ve already had at least 20 fire alarms this year, and now someone from the Physical Plant is standing underneath one of the smoke detectors emptying trash while merrily puffing away on his stoger. Also our maids smoke here. These are supposed to be non-smoking dorms. What is wrong?

Issue 21

Praising the Paladin

I used to use The Paladin to wrap fish and for other things you don’t even want to know about. But now I read it. Keep up the good work. Keep writing articles that make people think.

Laundry Service

Why doesn’t Furman have a laundry service like Davidson? It would make it so much easier to be a student here. A laundry service would probably raise the GPA of all students on campus at least two-tenths of a point. My roommate takes his laundry home and gets his mother to do it. I have to spend four hours a week trying to do mine. He has a 4.0. I have a 2.7. Get the picture?

Volume 76, 1990

Issue 3

Destroying the Furman Bridge

I have enjoyed many late night romantic walks across the Furman bridge. Why are they destroying it? My days at Furman will not be the same. I had planned to propose to my girlfriend on the bridge, but I guess I won’t be able to. I’m very upset.

Issue 21

Public Safety Complaint

I have a complaint about public safety. You know it’s wrong when you go to a school of 2500 and you get traffic citation number 34610.